How To Let Go Of Pain from Past Relationships
We all have those people that we don’t speak to any more and we can hold onto the emotions of the end of that relationship months or even years on. This goes for romantic relationships and friendships no matter how they ended. I have never had a big blow-up of a friendship or a relationship however I can still carry regret, guilt and shame with me to this day from those that have ended. Now though, I have come a long way to being more at peace with the end of these relationships. Here is how I have moved on.
Stop Blaming Them
I think we can often hold onto resentment against these people. We can get defensive and bring down the other person in our minds to make ourselves feel better.
But, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was (it often isn’t so black and white anyway).
If we keep playing the blame game, the only person we are affecting is ourselves. The other person isn’t going to know that we are still blaming them after all this time.
So really all you are doing is punishing yourself further for something that is now completely out of your control.
Yes, I have sat down and listed everything to myself that they did wrong and what led up to the end of the relationship and how I could not have prevented it at all but what good does that do? Why should I keep hashing over something continuously when the outcome is never going to change?
I knew as well that it wasn’t entirely their fault, of course I knew deep down that I had just as much to do with the end of the relationship as the other person. We just grew apart and that’s ok.
So stop allowing yourself to bubble over with negativity just because you want to place the blame outside yourself. The only way you can release that pain is by building up the peace.
If you don’t fall into the above category then you may be blaming yourself for the demise of the relationship. Or you could even switch between the two as I used to. But please don’t.
We have to remember that it is normal for some relationships not to be life-long. We shouldn’t beat ourselves up if something happens.
I know that I have been involved in a breakdown of a relationship - it wasn’t dramatic, there were no arguments - and I actually both blamed myself and the other person, but I think this was partly due to me being defensive.
I was spending all of my time either blaming myself and feeling down, and then trying to turn it around and blame the other person to try and make myself feel better.
But this didn’t help me whatsoever. Only once I forgave myself and understood that people can have differences and drift apart did I stop going over it in my head.
Yes, of course there were things I could have done better but then isn’t that the same with everything else in life? Even if we succeed at something, there is always room for improvement for next time.
So remember that you are human. You can release that blame on both sides.
I finally gave myself some peace and the pain is no longer there. I can’t tell you how much better I feel now.
Write Them a Letter
Now you might be thinking, “What?!” but I don’t mean send them a letter, just write it.
Before you write the letter though you need to keep in mind that this isn’t a letter to defend yourself, it isn’t a letter to project your anger. It is going to be a letter to just release your thoughts and get them down.
Write them a letter explaining the blessings and lessons that you gained from both the relationship and the end of the relationship.
I know most of the time you won’t be in a position to either want to or be able to speak with the other person to bring you both peace. This letter writing will help massively in this situation.
A lot of people crave that feeling of drawing a line in the sand and letting the feelings be heard and shared to be able to move on in peace. You will not realise the relief until you write it all down.
Once you have written it I wouldn’t recommend holding onto it. This practice is all about letting go and moving on. But whatever you do with it, do it with love. If you want to burn the letter then release it into the fire with love.
You don’t want any of this to be fueled in any negativity whatsoever.
Like I said, it is just about getting your thoughts out onto the paper so that you can release it all and feel free.
Growing Apart is Normal
At the end of the day, we should all be growing and expanding and changing who we are from year to year or even month to month.
However, we can never grow in an identical way to the people around us. Friends that last forever have either grown the same way as us or are more open to the new differences and those that are fleeting just grow differently.
When you look at it as simply as this, sometimes it can bring you a bit more peace. We are not meant to be friends with everyone and everyone isn’t going to be our friends forever.
It would be worse if you were stuck in the same friendship group not able to be yourself anymore because you are no longer the same person.
The first thing you need to do is be true to yourself and understand that friendships and relationships will then fit in around you. Don’t mould yourself to fit into these relationships that are not right for you.
Once you can come to terms with this and really value yourself as an individual you will understand a lot more about the concept of drifting away from those that are no longer in alignment with you.
And that’s ok.
So in summary, stop the blame game on both sides, write down how you feel to draw a line in the sand and be realistic and understand that relationships are not always meant to last forever.
Has this brought you some peace towards those past relationships you have been struggling with? Please let me know!