I think it's about time that I am brutally honest with you. And with myself. Not that I am hiding anything or trying to be something I'm not I just find it really difficult to portray myself, to really open myself and show my raw, real self. And I don't mean just in my writing on the internet, but also around people in the real world.
I have social anxiety, I am overweight, my skin is terrible, I am struggling with my career, I live with my parents and I am deeply unhappy. I used to suffer from depression and at one stage I was feeling a lot better and things were looking brighter, I honestly thought I was getting on track to building up my life again. Before I knew it though I was back on the edge of that shadow, inching deeper into the darkness and that is where I am now. I am scared, unmotivated and frustrated. I am frustrated with where I am in my life, with what little I feel I have achieved, with the progression of my relationship of 6 years. I am just so tired of life right now.
Now, this may look like a bunch of negativity or that I am looking for sympathy but really what I am trying to do is overspill all of this sadness and frustration that I am feeling, I feel like I need to let this all out so I can start rebuilding. I only have enough space inside me and I need to free some room for joy, for happiness and ultimately for success, whatever shape or form that will come in. I think it is important that we express what we are feeling and release them into the world. Like I said before, I am terrible at talking to people. I very rarely share my feelings and emotions so I struggle to talk to even the closest people around me about the conflicts I am feeling with myself.
So what do I do? I write here. And I think we all need to do the same thing. It doesn't have to be on a blog or website or social media. You can open a journal or a notebook and just write down everything you are feeling. Even just on a Word document. Just by expressing it and getting your feelings down on paper you can see a clear story of your thoughts. When we have anxieties or worries, they are muddled up in our mind. We flit between thoughts and we don't actually know what we are thinking. So getting this down on paper and being able to read back over it means we can really delve deep into what the problem is and get closer to creating a solution. That's what we are going to begin to do right now.
I have been in tears for the last 45 minutes and when I wiped away my last tear and got in the shower I felt an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't continue like this, I have to truly start turning this around, turning my life around. And it wasn't going to happen with me getting back in bed and pouring out more tears. It was jumping on here, on my platform and pouring out words. Now I know hardly anyone is going to read this at this stage of my blogging journey but I don't care. Obviously, it would be amazing if someone in the same situation as me read this and used it as that kick up the ass to get moving but I am also doing this for myself. I am writing this as therapy for myself. With every word I am writing my chest is feeling lighter, I have never felt more inspired to write than I do now. I am telling you right now this works.
I want to let you know that when you are feeling as down as I am all you need is hope. Hope will be the first step to start you on the journey to turning your life around. Have a cry, I mean a real cry. Scream into a pillow. Ugly cry in the shower. But then get out, dry yourself off and pour your heart out either publicly on a blog or just in a journal and I can guarantee it will make you feel better. Most importantly, have hope. That hope will prove that you know this is temporary, you know something better is coming and you know you are the one person that is going to get it together and strive towards it.
Now I know I am lucky that I have hope, I know one day this will get better. Hope alone will save my life. Others that have been in the same position as I have may not have had hope and did not make it out the other side. So I will be eternally grateful for hope.
However things cannot only be achieved by writing about them or hoping for them, you still need to do the hard work and, well... work. That is what I am going to do, in all areas of my life. There is no way that I am spending my time on this earth unhappy, I don't even want to be average. I want to be extraordinary. I want to be inspired and full of love and joy and this is my beginning. I am going to make small changes and steps towards a life that I am proud of.
If you feel like you also want to change your life by moulding yourself a new one then please join me. I am going to be sharing my journey with my health and fitness, my mental health, career and my finances. Everything that we girls worry about when we hit our quarter-life crisis - and yes it is a real thing - I will be sharing because I am going through it too and I don't want to go through it alone and I know you don't either.